Holiday Guilt to Holiday Joy: Finding Your Happy
Being present during the holidays, for every moment shared with loved ones and for moments alone in reflection and rest, is an ideal for many of us. At the same time, let’s normalize how dang HARD it is to feel this way when it feels like so much is going on both in our internal and external worlds.
You’re not alone if you feel like you’re in a bit of a tug-of-war between wanting to be fully present and wrestling with guilt about doing enough. There are silent (or sometimes not-so-silent) pressures to show up socially, keep up with your health, make enough money, rise in your career, and so many other things. At the same time, you are surrounded by delicious treats, rushing to finish work to earn those days off, and are going full Martha Stewart with decorations and hosting to make sure everyone else is having a great holiday.
The more we care about getting it all right for the most memorable year yet, the more that authentic holiday joy can feel overshadowed by holiday guilt. We’re here to talk about it, normalize the barriers that make this time feel complex, and showcase ways to find that balance when it’s so easy to blink and it’s January.
This post is your reminder that you’re not alone in navigating this. And that peace doesn’t come from tightening your grip or pushing harder. It comes when we meet ourselves where we are in life, energy, and time, and offer a bit more space to make the season what we need, not what we expect.
What is holiday joy?
Let’s be super clear that holiday joy isn’t the result of a perfect few weeks where nothing goes wrong and you’re always happy. That would be hard for even the most uplifted human to pull off, but what we mean by holiday joy is a sense of home or inner comfort, and being here in the moment to savor what matters most to you.
That’s also why holiday joy looks different for everyone. Defining your happiness is a really cool moment to turn inward and see what that might feel like for you this year.
A few reflection questions to think on:
What moments during the holiday season make me feel the most at home in myself, like I can be myself and feel settled?
When do I feel genuinely present, even for a few seconds? What helps me access that?
If I removed “shoulds,” expectations, and the pressure of the season, how would I spend my time?
What’s one small thing I can do (or stop doing) to feel more connected and rooted in the holidays?
Imagining holiday joy
As you think about what your joy is like, it may be helpful to imagine a few examples of when it can come in, even when your schedule is crazy and a lot is going on.
You feel genuinely connected while having a meaningful conversation at a gathering
You notice warmth inside as you slow down long enough to breathe and feel authentic gratitude for the support in your life
You laugh at something small and let yourself enjoy this moment of letting go fully
You give yourself permission to rest on a cold afternoon
You recreate a tradition that always made you smile and share it with someone new
Real joy is like a softness that spreads through your body, loosening the grip of expectations and allowing you to be just as you are. For many high-functioning professionals, joy can be a relief from stepping out of a cycle of productivity and celebrating all the hard work that got them to the end of the year. You get to create your own joy, and sometimes we find ourselves in moments we didn’t plan for, that spark that smile on your face and lightness in your heart.
When does holiday guilt come in?
All this talk about joy sounds great, but if you find yourself thinking “that’s not reality for me right now” or “I don’t remember the last time I felt any of that”, know that you’re not alone. This may be the first sign of some holiday guilt creeping in. Feelings of guilt don't signal a struggle with your mental health or anything you need to fix, but rather a moment to reflect on what stressors are on your plate this time of year (family conflict, financial strain, work deadlines, etc.) and setting realistic expectations for how you can approach it all without all the pressure.
Guilt around the holidays can come from so many directions, and may not even be something you notice until it comes to those moments where joy is harder to access. When we’re grinding at work or trying to nail a gathering and prep work, joy isn’t always the top priority and guilt can actually be a motivator to keep going.
Let’s recognize how guilt comes in, to find more of a balance:
Slowing down or the idea of doing less brings out a fear of what would happen
Having to shift habits to keep up with overcommitment makes you harder on yourself
Indulging in holiday treats creates an internal narrative and stress
Declining a social event makes you assume that people will think you don’t care
Attending too many events and feeling stretched thin creates resentment
Feeling your energy dip has you questioning why you can’t just “power through”
If you had any “wow that’s me” moments while reading these examples, this may t be a sign to acknowledge where guilt comes in and normalize how easy it can be to slip into the mindset of trying to get it all right during the holidays. Getting curious about how these patterns play out and where to invite in joy intentionally (we’ll deep-dive soon!) can be a great place to start.
The heavy weight of carrying guilt
Just like joy, guilt can be a moment in time that feels small and doesn’t take over weeks at a time, but when more of these moments happen consistently over the holiday season, you can definitely feel the ripple effect in various areas of your life.
Here’s what that looks like:
Guilt with yourself
Guilt with yourself can come from holding high standards that don’t waver when the holidays arrive, comparing your holiday capacity to times when you felt your best, or feeling like slowing down means you’re slipping in some way.
You may notice you become more self-critical, less compassionate, or feel like you’re constantly behind, even when you’re doing enough. Joyful activities can start to feel like tasks you have to “earn” instead of experiences you’re allowed to enjoy.
Others may notice you seem tense, hard on yourself, or unable to fully savor the moment, even when you’re physically present.
Guilt with others
Guilt with others can come from wanting to be dependable, available, thoughtful, or easy to be around. You might find yourself looping thoughts about worrying or about getting ahead of disappointing people or not meeting their expectations.
You may notice yourself overexplaining, apologizing for needing rest, or saying yes when you meant no. You might show up depleted to meetings or social obligations, or avoid connecting at all because you’re afraid you’re not showing up in the way you want to.
Others may notice you seem stretched thin, emotionally distant, having difficulty communicating, or quick to apologize for things that may not warrant an apology.
Guilt at work
Work-related guilt can come up around productivity, being reliable, or achieving certain goals. These things temporarily shift during the holiday season for many people, but sometimes it’s hard to turn off the always thinking part of your mind..
You may notice yourself ruminating about work tasks, checking emails after hours, filling open moments in your schedule with catch-up work, feeling guilty about being unreachable, or tying rest to being irresponsible.
Others may notice you’re more on edge, less flexible, or struggling to take the time off that you’ve earned and need.
-> Another interesting read: How to Set Boundaries at Work Without the Guilt
Guilt from grief
Sometimes grief can make holiday guilt feel worse. Especially around the holidays when memories feel sharper and the absence feels louder. You might catch yourself wondering if you’re remembering “enough,” honoring them “right,” or grieving in the “correct” way. Maybe you feel guilty for not having the emotional capacity to keep up certain traditions, or for wanting a quieter season when others expect celebration. Or perhaps there’s guilt in feeling moments of joy, like you’re betraying the person you miss. All of this is heartbreakingly human. Grief doesn’t follow rules, and your love for them isn’t measured by how much you carry or how visibly you hurt. You’re allowed to honor your loss in the ways that fit who you are now, not who you were before everything changed.
Guilt with socializing
Social guilt can start to happen when you’re feeling torn between wanting to be involved and participate, and needing space to yourself to recharge. The feeling of guilt can come from trying to match other people’s energy, maintain important traditions, or be the “fun one” even when you’re tired.
You may notice yourself leaning into people pleasing (saying yes when you want to say no), or performing in a way to make sure the outer world sees excitement when your inner world is drained. You may also cancel plans knowing your capacity is low, but immediately feel bad or overthink how people will take it.
Others may notice you pushing past your limits, withdrawing unexpectedly, performing, or appearing overwhelmed.
Guilt with kids
There’s a particular kind of guilt that shows up when you’re a parent during the holidays. It’s the pressure to recreate the traditions you grew up with, show up for every school event, keep up with the newer “must-do” rituals like the Elf on the Shelf, and somehow turn the season into something magical and unforgettable for your kids. It can feel like you’re constantly measuring yourself against an invisible standard of “good parenting,” even when you’re exhausted or stretched thin. If you’re noticing that guilt is creeping in, it might be pointing toward just how deeply you care, and how easy it is to forget your own needs in the process. You’re allowed to enjoy this season too, to choose the traditions that fit your real life, and to let the rest go without losing an ounce of what makes you a loving, present parent.
Guilt with fun or time to yourself
Guilt with having fun or taking time to yourself may be tied to a belief that rest has to be earned or justified. It may also be a belief that taking rest or slowing down is indulgent or just not you.
You may notice you start to keep score inside, like “If I rest now, I’ll make up for it by hustling tomorrow,” or “If I work late tonight, I can go to the yoga class I love tomorrow at 5.” This can lead to overthinking these simple moments of spontaneous fun or rest and not taking what you need, when you need it, as the season becomes heavy.
Others may notice you struggling to relax, declining things you actually want, or treating downtime like an inconvenience or uncomfortable moment.
How to tap into your holiday joy
So, how do you approach joy when you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders? How can you be proactive about the way you want to spend your holiday season, so you don’t have to do the sometimes-impossible task of squeezing in time when you need it most?
You may already have some ideas, but this list of 10 realistic ways to re-access that inner joy this season can give you a solid place to start.
1. Choose one “moment of joy” per day
As you’re defining what joy means to you, there may be micro moments you can focus on each day, and really savor them. Instead of jumping in and trying to make everything joyful, it can help to choose one micro moment each day.
A few examples:
Savoring the first bite of a holiday treat without rushing or narrating it
Taking a quiet moment to look at the lights in your neighborhood before driving home
Playing a song you love while getting ready in the morning
Noticing a meaningful ornament, card, or decoration and letting the memory land
Reaching out to a friend to make a plan you can look forward to
Pausing to feel grateful for a small interaction like a smile from a cashier, a kind text, or someone holding a door during the holiday rush
Letting yourself sit down while dinner heats up instead of trying to clean or multitask
2. Create a personal “permission slip”
Sometimes we don’t know all the things, activities, treats, or feelings we’re not allowing ourselves to enjoy without guilt because of the expectations or unwritten rules we set for ourselves. One way to start to think about inviting joy might be to add flexibility to that thinking.
Maybe you take a moment to take inventory of what you’re allowed to do when guilt isn’t in the driver’s seat. Write a few things down, trying to see where you might be able to give yourself a little “permission slip” to enjoy during the holidays.
An example: You might notice your guilt stops you from going about social plans in the way you really want to. You can offer yourself permission that may sound like, “This year, I’m allowed to rest. I’m allowed to decline invitations and I’m allowed to enjoy the good food that calls to me in the moment without overanalyzing it.”
3. Practice the 80% rule
For many people, the holidays coincide with busy year-end seasons at work, and the demands on your time, focus, and energy can grow. That’s when giving 100% effort to everything becomes unrealistic and can build pressure into more stress, more tension, and way less opportunity to enjoy the moment.
During demanding seasons, could you ask yourself what giving 80% looks like? This doesn’t mean intentionally not doing your best, but actually honoring where your best is right now so you can be proud of the way you show up.
Here’s what 80% effort can look like:
Instead of perfecting each detail of emails you’re trying to get out before you can head to your niece’s holiday recital, you might focus on clarity and concise yet thoughtful responses
When you’re feeling stretched thin, you choose a 20-30 minute walk to clear your mind instead of an intense workout
You let your family know you’ll be heading out early from a few back-to-back events coming up to show up, but still prioritize getting a good night’s rest
4. Build buffer time around social plans
Joy is challenging to feel when you’re rushed or fighting for time. Moments of joy with others can come with freedom and space to happen naturally when your daily agenda isn’t swirling in your mind. That’s why it can be nice to add buffers before and after social plans.
You might:
Plan to be ready one hour before you have to leave so you can relax and do something that’s just for you to get into the mindset ahead of being with others
Schedule 30 minutes or so after any plans or events to decompress a bit before rushing right into the next thing
Block off a few days throughout the month that are just for what makes you feel joy, so your mind can be present and embrace the experience
5. Look for the “small yes” to connection
The feeling of joy can expand when we are connected to other people. That can be your immediate family, your partner, your friends, your co-workers, or your community. When we want to find the balance between giving and receiving moments of connection or finding what’s realistic, a small yes can be that nice middle ground that feels so good.
Examples of a small yes you can give:
A 10-minute phone call to a relative you haven’t seen
A thoughtful voice note to check in
Sending a photo update to brighten someone’s day
Carpooling to a holiday party
Inviting a co-worker to sit and eat lunch with you
6. Build a joy ritual for the new year transition
If you love planning, a new-year ritual could be a great way to tap into joy. You can choose something that honors where you’ve been this year, and where you want to go. This could be a way to set aside time at the end of December or early January, and it could also be subtle moments throughout the next few weeks that honor that intention of celebration.
Here’s what a joyful new year transition can look like:
A weekly 5-minute journal prompt, asking yourself things like “what was I most proud of this year? What did I learn about myself? What can I celebrate?”
A “closing walk” on the last day of the year with music that uplifts you or a motivating podcast to reflect on the year you’ve had, and allow yourself to feel into that
An intention jar that you can drop intentions for 2026 into as you think of them, then check in with in the new year as you see them all come together or notice themes
Plan a gentle New Year’s morning where you can indulge in whatever you want to feel to set the tone for this new year of possibility ahead, whether that’s with others or yourself
Here’s to your season of joy
This season can feel heavier, busier, more stimulating, or complicated than you expect. Holiday guilt can show up, and when it does, it's an invitation not to judge ourselves but to open the door to joy in whatever way that looks like for you.
If you find yourself wanting support along the way to untangle guilt or honor your needs even when it feels tougher, therapy and coaching can create the space for you to get curious and explore it without feeling like it's all on your shoulders alone.