Survival Guide: How to Protect Your Peace When Comparing Yourself

Dec 5

Y’all, it’s easier said than done not to compare yourself to others, and the transition time between the end of the year and a new year ahead doesn’t give us a break from those thoughts. In fact, we’re surrounded even more by highlight reels, annual reviews at work, catching up with people you might not see all the time, and watching the calendar days shed away quicker (at least it feels this way) as the days get shorter.

Thoughts about how your year went, what you accomplished, which milestones did or didn’t happen, and if you’re happy where you’re at will naturally come up. Comparison season isn’t a time to avoid, but instead a time to work with yourself as you reflect and align with what you want and need most.

This is your gentle reminder that comparison is human, and peace doesn’t come from avoiding these uncomfortable feelings. We’ll normalize the different ways comparative thoughts show up and how to meet them with compassion, and we'll gain a deeper understanding of ourselves to guide intuitive self-care opportunities.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

It's natural to ask yourself why we compare and how others successfully stop comparing themselves.

Thinking about ourselves in the context of what’s around us is how humans process the world. Psychologist Leon Festinger called this social comparison theory, describing the idea that we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others.

In many ways, it's a survival instinct to orient ourselves within a group, gauge our belonging, and see more possibilities. For example, seeing Olympic athletes perform at the highest level make athletic achievement a reality for students and professionals around the world. And when a celebrity opens up vulnerably about mental health challenges, hundreds watching see an example of allowing emotions to be present without shame.

That’s why comparison isn’t always a bad thing. It may ignite insecurities or cause behaviors that are driven by trying to fit in or be accepted by ourselves and others, which is when it’s even more important to be aware of how it impacts you. Those type of downward comparisons can create negative thoughts, or take away from the reality of the human experience which is that things don't always work out the way we'd want.

Examples of comparisons that don’t feel good inside

Scrolling through someone’s year-in-review carousel on Instagram and suddenly discrediting everything you’ve done because it’s not as much
Celebrating a colleague’s promotion and convincing yourself you aren’t as good because you received some new feedback at your year-end review
Walking into the first holiday season after losing someone, and feeling weak because you aren’t holding it together as well as other family members seem to be
Getting dressed for a gathering and feeling insecure, thinking of your friends who’ve lost weight this year, suddenly makes you look at yourself differently
Hearing about a friend’s wedding plans and sinking into a sadness that you aren’t in a relationship
Seeing constant news stories about the economic struggles happening nationwide, and feeling the anxiety rise and doom creep in, you should be questioning your financial situation and job choice

When you notice other people’s accomplishments or what’s going on around you, your brain is simply trying to gather data. When we can do this effectively, it can lead to a whole new level of understanding ourselves. At the same time, it’s natural for your protective parts to start asking, “Where do I fit?” “What do I need to do to be safe, valued, or successful?” or “What do I have to do to catch up?”

The problem isn’t comparison itself. It’s what happens when comparison starts to be the focus lens through which you measure your life. That’s when it stops guiding you and starts convincing you that you’re in a constant game of keeping up with a world of high standards that are impossible for any one person to achieve.

Why it feels so heavy: The hidden toll of constant comparison

Comparison can shift when it goes from a casual habit or curiosity to a constant awareness of what we’re not, what we lack, or what we aren’t doing enough of. That can add up and make it hard to access self-confidence, joy, or self-worth.

We want to be mindful about when comparison starts to be a voice of self-judgement that doesn’t let up. It can be a source of shame, insecurity, and sadness.

Constant comparison might become too much when you’re experiencing:

A sense of dread almost every time you see someone’s update, achievement, or life change.
Feelings of envy about personal characteristics, social status, and the daily life of others.
Pressure to catch up, fix yourself, or prove your worth because of what others are doing.
Difficulty celebrating your own progress because it never feels as impressive as someone else’s.
A heavy, sinking feeling after scrolling social media or talking to peers, even if nothing in your own life has changed.
Frequently minimizing your wins or dismissing your strengths because they don’t look like someone else’s.
Guilt or shame for not living the same type of life, achieving the same milestones, or feeling as happy as others seem.

When we’re evaluating ourselves so often, our nervous systems stay on alert to figure out how not to fall behind. That means the mind stays busy, it’s hard to be present, and emotional drain can start to impact overall happiness. Over time, this can evolve into burnout, anxiety, and disconnection from yourself.

When we create a healthy barrier between comparison and self-criticism, we can feel more connected to what actually makes each one of us who we are.

How to protect your peace in seasons of comparison

Whether you’re feeling the weight of comparison that takes over, or you notice it can come up from time to time, these intentional actions can give you some ways to move through it with more awareness and a deeper understanding of comparison as a guide, rather than a deterrent to the life you want to be living. Remember, comparison is a natural human tendency, but it's also possible to build emotional resilience to combat feelings of inadequacy.

1. Notice patterns

The best way to look at comparisons with curiosity is to notice that they all start somewhere. You may be able to see those first signs that comparison has arrived, from a physical sensation in your body to a shift in your mood or a sudden disinterest in activities that may spark unwanted self-judgement.

You might start to see signs like:

Your chest has some tightness
You get irritable
You notice yourself wanting to isolate
You start trying to control things (planning a different workout, buying a new skin product, texting your partner to ask for help redoing the kitchen, etc.).

If you can start to catch these first moments of comparison seeping in, you may be able to work up to a pause and a compassion statement like, “Oh, comparison is showing up again. I’ve been here before, and I know it takes a minute for me to process the thoughts.”

2. Continue to explore feelings with curiosity

Self-judgement can come in when we believe that a moment of comparison is showing us more reasons why we aren’t enough or don’t have what we “should”. This is when curiosity can shift slightly and help you understand why something feels heavier for you.

That curious mind might lead you to questions like:

“What about this is touching something tender in me?”
“Is there something I’m longing for that comes up around this?”
“Am I feeling this way because of what others think of me, or what I think of myself?”
“What emotions are present? Is it sadness, anger, numbness, or apathy? Maybe something else?”

Curiosity opens the door for compassion. You can let yourself be in the feeling fully, before having to do anything about it. You might even realize that the best thing for you is to nurture yourself rather than keep pushing in a direction to meet others' expectations. Or maybe you do take an intentional action, because it honors a need you have that comes from this curious time with yourself.

3. Ground in your season

It’s easy to forget that good moments and celebrations are easier to share than harder times. Imagine if every time people felt a similar pull of comparison and wondering if they’re in the right place in life, they posted it online. There’s a lot we don’t see, and that’s because every life moves in cycles of growth, change, healing, and building.

Being in a season where you don’t have the flashiest updates or feeling like things are right where you want them can be reframed from a bad month to a building period. We all need these to get to those big wins and milestones.he tough work or going through the trenches after unexpected events shift our plans is what makes celebrating so impactful. You also don’t need to wait until you’ve achieved the thing, gotten the title, or made the move to feel proud of yourself.

This is all about being in our current chapter and knowing it’s part of the greater story even if it doesn’t look like everyone else’s path to get there.

4. Come back to your story

When we compare, our minds usually drift outward, focusing on what others are doing or seeing. It might be a good time to gently redirect inward and see what these thoughts mean for you when you put yourself first.

A few ways to look inward might include asking yourself things like:

“What matters most to me?”
“What am I growing that others can’t see?”
“What goals excite me, regardless of the progress I’ve made?”
“What values anchor me through it all?”

Whether you journal or open a conversation with a trusted friend, family member, partner, coach, or therapist, these questions will yield different answers from everyone. Your perspective can become much clearer as you take the time to define what drives you, rather than doing things purely because other people have and appear happy.

5. Offer yourself compassion, slowly

The discomfort that comes from questioning where you stand in comparison to others may remain for a while. It’s unrealistic to think self-compassion is the only cure, but instead, you can look at micro moments of compassion that start to meet that discomfort with a little bit more care and less critique.

A compassionate response to a thought rooted in insecurity, shame, or low self-esteem sounds like:

“It’s okay to feel this way.”
“My worth isn’t up for comparison.”
“I’m allowed to move at my own pace.”
“I’m proud of the way I went about this.”
“Look at how motivated I am to hit my goals.”
“I can be happy for them, and excited for my turn too.”

These tiny moments can also build up self-trust and your confidence in the unique pace and path you’re taking in life, honoring the differences we all have.

Grounding practices to center when comparison takes over

In addition to the thought patterns you can start to experiment with, you may also want some gentle practices to ground yourself when the thoughts take over and feel too much. Sometimes we have to tend to our nervous system before we can greet ourselves with curiosity and compassion.

Daily grounding check-in

At the end of each day, you can take note of three small moments where you felt in alignment with your values and what’s important to you. The beauty is that these are usually moments that no one else can see the significance of, or that you may not have given yourself credit for before.

You may be feeling the weight of keeping up with hosting obligations after comparing yourself to the beautiful Pinterest boards you follow. Still, maybe there’s space to add in the creativity you brought to putting together a vision board, the thoughtfulness behind wanting to invite friends who don’t have anywhere to go, and the gratitude you showed your partner after asking them to help you pick up pastries for dessert.

Social media pause

If social media is a source of comparison that ignites more self-critical thinking, you can take a mindful moment before you scroll. That might be asking yourself, “Am I grounded or seeking validation?”

Or maybe like so many of us, you don’t notice it’s impacting you until you’re halfway through a reel on how to stay fit through the holidays. This is a moment where you can place the phone down, and maybe walk away to do something without your screen for a while, that helps you attune to how you’re feeling and process the thoughts that came up.

Something like journaling, taking a walk, doing a light movement practice, or going to vent to someone can create some space in your mind that may be overstimulated with those comparison thoughts, enough to figure out what you need most to feel like you can find that compassion inside.

Self-compassion break

There’s power in a moment to breathe with intention and purpose. You might find that taking 60 seconds to place your hand on your chest and feel the inhale and exhale can ease the tendency to go toward judgment, and to be more present with whatever you’re feeling in your body.

You may feel tension rising in your shoulders, or you’re restless and need to shake out some energy that’s building. You might also notice your breath is shorter and your temperature has shifted. That noticing can be grounding in itself, with permission not to have to fix it.

When you notice comparison, take 60 seconds to place a hand on your chest and breathe. Whisper, “I’m allowed to be a work in progress.” This anchors your nervous system back to safety.

Creating comfort

Sometimes, we need to feel a sense of comfort and remind ourselves that we’re okay right here in the moment we’re in, even if it’s not perfect. This can be bodily comfort, or something that feels like support that you can do for yourself.

Maybe you build a list of go-to comfort moments to turn toward, such as:

Running cool water on your hands
Holding a warm mug
Listening to a song that feels grounding or inspirational
Calling someone who sees you fully
Grabbing for a cozy blanket and holding onto it for a moment
Coregulating with your pets
Smelling an essential oil or a familiar scent
Stretching in the way that always feels so nice

These are things you want to have at your fingertips and that really speak to you when you’re feeling overwhelmed or when your mind is having a hard time settling. It doesn’t mean you won’t be feeling a little bit low while cuddling your pup, but you can be more in tune with yourself while feeling that emotion.

Coming home to yourself as you are

A look back at the year may help you notice where you’ve been measuring yourself based on someone else’s success, being too hard on yourself, or seeing yourself in a way that doesn’t give all of your hard work justice, because there’s always an example of bigger, better, or more to find.

Notice where you’ve been sprinting to prove instead of pausing to breathe, maybe using this moment to soften into what you want most. It could be a time to turn toward what makes you unique and celebrate that path or approach in life, even when your inner critic comes out to question it.

Next year can be less about getting better and more about feeling more in alignment than ever with a steadier, more fulfilling you. We believe in you, and we’re always here to help.

More resources to support self-kindness instead of comparison

As you're wondering how to be kinder to yourself instead of comparing, we've added a few favorite resources from books and podcasts to additional support.

Books to support self kindness and comparison

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest

Podcasts to support self kindness and comparison

Unlocking Us, hosted by Brene Brown
We Can Do Hard Things, hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle
You Make Sense, hosted by Sarah Baldwin
Real Pod, hosted by Victoria Garrick Browne

Blog posts to support self-kindness and comparison

And of course, our team at Modern Therapy is here to hold space that's tailored to exactly what you're needing and where you're at.

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