Releasing the Pressure: How to Recognize When You’re Being Too Hard on Yourself
You might relate to wrapping up another full day at work with lines through almost everything on your to-do list. You handled the nonstop meetings, put out a couple of fires, and even squeezed in time to do a workout.
And yet as you’re resting your head on your pillow at night, you hear that inner critic whispering: “You should’ve done more,” or “You could have done it better.”
Sometimes when we’re go-getters, the idea of feeling accomplished and proud can conflict with the inner competitor that wants to keep reaching for bigger and more in our lives. This can feel like replaying the one awkward moment in a meeting instead of focusing on the outcome that gave your team a huge win, or getting on yourself for not doing a full hour of your daily workout instead of offering yourself some grace, knowing you were up all night tending to a sick kid.
If this sounds familiar, it may be a moment to notice how much pressure you’re putting on yourself at this moment. Letting go of some of that pressure doesn’t have to mean doing less or losing motivation, but instead can mean allowing a little bit more flexibility in how you see yourself and your definition of success.
Let’s talk about what it really means to be hard on yourself, why so many high-functioning professionals fall into this pattern, and (most importantly) how to take some of that weight and pressure off your shoulders without losing your drive.
What does it really mean to be hard on yourself?
At its core, being hard on yourself is about holding yourself to impossible standards and then being hard on yourself when you fall short. Sometimes it's driven by perfectionism or a fear of letting other people down (people pleasing). This seemingly endless drive to keep pushing yourself can also be driven by messages we received throughout life that became expectations.
You can sense that you may be putting too much pressure on yourself when healthy ambition, hard work and self-discipline become driven by criticism that convinces you you’re not enough as you are and always need to strive to be better.
You might notice the pressure creeping into your mindset as you think about career goals, your health and wellness routines, your home environment, or even your relationships. The very traits that help you succeed can also leave you feeling like there’s no room for mistakes, rest, or simply being human. And that’s when exhaustion and self-doubt start to take the wheel.
Examples of when we may overuse strengths:
Ambition can become perfectionism: you set sky-high standards and feel like anything less than flawless is failure.
Discipline can become rigidity: you criticize yourself if you miss a workout, break a routine, or simply need rest.
Care for others can become people-pleasing: you push aside your own needs and beat yourself up if you think you’ve disappointed someone.
Some ways we may be adding pressure without realizing it:
Replaying mistakes long after they’ve passed and dwelling on them
Minimizing your wins because they “don’t count” or could have been better
Taking criticism to heart to raise standards
Feeling like you can’t fully believe or embrace compliments
Comparing yourself to others and always finding yourself behind (physical health, career, relationships, etc.)
Feeling like time to do nothing has to be earned, and even then, guilt sneaks in
Overcompensating to catch up when you take time to rest
Living with the inner critic can be relentless, even when you’re just being a human who needs to slow things down sometimes or give 70% instead of 100% all of the time.
Why am I so hard on myself?
You might know the pressure is high, but still question why you’re so hard on yourself. We want to be mindful to notice if this is another form of telling yourself you’re not enough, and meet yourself with understanding and compassion instead.
Here are a few common roots of being hard on yourself:
Perfectionism
Perfectionism often sneaks in under the disguise of “high standards” or “just wanting to do things well.” But beneath that drive can be a fear of failing or being rejected. When perfectionism is running the show, even the smallest mistake can feel like proof that you’re not enough. It helps to remember that mistakes don’t define your worth, and they really are just part of being human that everyone encounters.
An upbringing where love had to be earned
Some of us learned early on that love, attention, or approval had strings attached. Maybe praise came only when you performed, achieved, or behaved in a certain way. Over time, that can wire your brain to believe you have to earn affection by proving yourself (hello, high standards!). Meeting yourself with compassion here means acknowledging that you adapted to your environment then, and that you have the chance to write a new story now.
Workplace culture
The modern workplace is no stranger to wearing exhaustion and overworking as a badge of honor. A lot of young professionals start hearing this message that tells them if they’re not grinding, they’re falling behind. That kind of culture can blur the line between dedication and putting aside your needs to be successful. It can sometimes feel scary or unsafe to slow down, and there’s space to build in permission to set healthier boundaries while maintaining your success.
Comparison to others
Highlight reels are everywhere on social media, so it’s easy to start believing everyone else is thriving while you’re barely keeping up. What you may not see are their sleepless nights, doubts, or insecurities they’re carrying about keeping up too. Comparison creates an unfair measuring stick that keeps the bar moving farther away, no matter how much you achieve. Offering yourself compassion here means stepping back and remembering that it's an empowering place to claim your journey and love that it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
Sense of identity
If your sense of self is tightly tied to achievement, slowing down can feel like you’ll lose who you are. You may feel a big reaction at the thought of moving slowly or being okay with mistakes and imperfections. If this is the case, which makes sense. When we’re seeing rest or gentleness as a threat instead of a gift, it’s hard to move in the direction of more flexibility, and rigidity can become a comfort zone. The compassionate reframe here may be that you are more than your output and your worth is not conditional, feeling more open to celebrating who you are beyond what you do (or don’t do).
The cycle of perfectionism and self criticism
Perfectionism and self-criticism can work as a team. Perfectionism whispers, “I can’t make mistakes.” Self-criticism chimes in with, “If I do, I don’t deserve kindness.”
Of course, this makes sense if you learned that achievement is the safest path to being valued. It’s only natural that mistakes feel dangerous, and harsh self-talk can be a way to motivate yourself to stay on track or to go above and beyond. Over time, this well-intentioned strategy can create a cycle that’s harder to break out of and can lead to burnout.
So it makes total sense that you’d feel drained and discouraged but not realize that it's the response of being hard on yourself and adding pressure that keeps the cycle going. One way to get curious about this cycle and how it may look in your life is to offer room for rest and mistakes or kindness toward yourself when you’ve done your best, even if that means you want to keep aiming for bigger goals in the future.
It can also mean allowing yourself to celebrate wins along the way to bigger goals. For example you may want to save $5,000 by the end of the year. You could do really well in your first few months of adding money to the savings account then hit an unexpected car repair that sets you back.
Instead of seeing that as failing and having to work that much harder now, could you see how you were capable of saving in those first few months as a sign that you can do it again? This approach offers flexibility around real-life scenarios that are out of your control to come in without causing you to question your abilities.
How to release the pressure without losing your edge
If you’ve seen your drive pay off in life, it can feel impossible to turn down the pressure without worrying about how it will affect your achievements. The good news is that you don’t have to give up your ambition to give yourself some breathing room. It’s all about being intentional and finding small practices that help you explore this flexibility in a way that helps you continue to perform at a high level without running yourself into the ground.
Here are a few strategies that make a difference, even for busy professionals:
Notice the inner voice: Awareness is a great way to start to shift. We have to see when that inner critic is coming in to be able to shift away from needing to let it stay in the control seat. When the inner critic gets loud, you don’t have to fight it but you also don’t have to give in.
Try saying, “I’m noticing the thought that I should’ve done better. I do want to improve but I also know I gave it a lot of effort so I don’t need to tear myself up.”
Check in with how you speak to yourself vs. others:
One quick way to ground yourself in your expectations for yourself and how harsh they may be is to ask yourself: Would you talk to a friend the way you’re talking to yourself?
Imagine hearing a friend share about their day and only zooming in on what they didn’t do enough of, and it starts to feel humbling as you notice how uncomfortable that would be. You can also try asking what a friend would say to you, as you practice bringing in more compassion to your self-talk.
Celebrate progress: Along the way to hitting certain goals or standards there are a million little wins that usually go unnoticed. Sure, it’s much more appealing to celebrate once you’ve hit a big milestone but imagine being able to acknowledge the days you showed up when it could have been easier to walk away, or the choices you made in the direction of your goals that led you to build momentum.
What if you made it a daily ritual to name one thing you did well, no matter how small? The more you choose to see these moments, the less pressure you’ll place on the end goal.
Anchor in values over outcomes: Usually, our self-critic comes up when an outcome wasn’t hit, which might mean there’s a focus on results, physical appearance, success in the eyes of others, or other things that may be considered more surface-level than looking at our inner values and how we feel.
It could be interesting to ask yourself what you’re trying to feel when you set certain goals, and what values are most important to you to embody along the way. That way, instead of just getting to the finish line, you can ask yourself, “Did I show up in the way I feel best about?” or “How did I feel today?”. From there, you might still have desires to pivot, but coming from intention, they can shift from self-criticism to self-empowerment.
Seek outside perspective: Sometimes, we just need validation or a good conversation with people who love us to build our own perspective around a situation. You could be feeling the pressure with everything on your plate to the extent that anxiety spikes and stress stays present to tell you you’ll never get it done, then choose to call a friend and talk about it.
Sure, the plate may remain full, but you might feel some of the pressure lifted by hearing what your friend has to say about it all and realizing you may be putting too many expectations on yourself. This impact can be amplified when you’re bringing these moments into therapy or coaching sessions and have a moment to release and process why the pressure is present.
Putting down the weight of pressure
If you’ve been carrying that silent weight of perfectionism and feeling the pressure build, know that it’s a sign that you care deeply and have a fire inside to achieve that we never want to put out. At the same time, this is your open invitation to release and allow yourself to see all that you already have and who you are as a person right in this very moment.
It’s not easy to turn to flexibility and let the road to where you want to be remain a little messy, but it doesn’t have to happen overnight. Thinking about any chance to practice some compassion and lighten the load that you’re carrying can go a long way. For a lot of people it can also be energizing to approach your goals with more intention than ever before.
If you’re feeling some curiosity or want to talk more about what this looks like specifically for you, we offer space that’s judgment-free where you can slow down, make sense of these patterns, and practice showing up in new ways.