The Silent Struggle of People-Pleasing in the Workplace
Letting someone down, making them uncomfortable,or making mistakes can feel terrifying. Trying to juggle other people’s experience can also mean neglecting your own needs without necessarily trying to. Maybe you can relate to being known as a perfectionist, overachiever, or friend who’s always there to take care of things, but deep down, you’re just doing anything you can to keep everyone around you happy.
And y’all.. it’s SO valid to feel exhausted by it all. If you’re sitting here nodding, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a real and often invisible struggle, especially in work environments that demand constant performance and high expectations.
People-pleasing is so much more than saying “yes” when you want to say “no”. It can come with an almost insurmountable pressure to always be there for others, often at the expense of your well-being. You’ve found your safe space to land if you want to dig deeper into this behavior cycle compassionately and sustainably.
What is people pleasing, really?
People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior that typically comes from wanting to avoid the discomfort of disapproval or conflict. Most people won’t touch conflict with a 10-foot pole and aren’t racing to make someone upset intentionally, but people-pleasing takes that a step further when the overcompensation to make sure nothing bad happens for others feels like it's getting in the way of your happiness.
People pleasing can show up as:
Going above and beyond at work
Thinking of the needs of others above your own desires
Constantly checking in with colleagues or clients to ensure they're happy
Making personal sacrifices to avoid disappointing others
Not speaking up about what you need if it's not what others want
Being afraid to rock the boat or break the status quo
Going to great lengths to gain the approval of others even if its misaligned to your own goals
An unhealthy dependence on what other people think to measure self worth or value
Downplaying any detrimental effects of pleasing others
Feeling an inability to express what you need from others (can lead to relationship burnout or resentment)
People pleasing, anxiety and burnout
For high-functioning professionals, people-pleasing can mean staying up late to meet deadlines, taking on more work that you can’t handle or have time for, saying yes immediately when your body is screaming “no,” and taking on your co-workers’ feelings and emotions as your responsibility to fix or alleviate in any way possible.
When this happens throughout a busy season or in conjunction with responsibilities outside of work piled on, it can quickly lead to burnout and resentment about work. It may also increase anxiety about not being able to do enough and the increased risk that can cause of letting someone (or a whole team) down.
[add in compassionate ending to encourage]
-> If you can relate to burnout periods, here’s a resource you may enjoy.
The people pleaser mindset: Why do we do it?
One of the reasons people pleasing is a shared experience among so many people (especially in demanding careers) is that there are so many internal motivations to keep others happy. It’s much easier to offer grace and compassion around these tendencies when you see the factors that can play into them:
Fear of rejection: The underlying belief that if we say “no” or don’t go the extra mile, there’s judgment, criticism, or rejection waiting on the other side. Even if we wouldn’t respond that way to someone else saying no, it feels terrifying to imagine taking a risk even when we know we don’t want to say yes.
Approval and validation: Many people-pleasers tie their self-worth to external validation. In the workplace, this can manifest as needing recognition from supervisors, clients, or colleagues. The more you receive praise, the more it feeds that inner voice telling you that you must keep delivering and exceeding expectations each time (talk about pressure!).
Perfectionism: Perfectionists often think that they'll be seen as inadequate if they don’t do everything just right. As a result, they overcompensate by putting extra effort into everything they do, ensuring that every outcome is flawless.
-> Learn more about where perfectionism comes from in our mindful deep dive.
Guilt: Sometimes, even if we can muster up the courage to say no, we’re met with a wave of guilt and overthinking. It makes sense that tying that feeling to setting a boundary or putting your foot down would make it much easier to avoid it altogether.
Avoiding conflict: Many professionals don’t want to deal with the sheer awkwardness or potentially hostile situation with their coworkers. It's easier to keep the peace and take on more work or responsibility than face the potential tension that comes with disagreeing, delegating, or expressing your capacity.
Sometimes what drives people-pleasing isn't just internal (like a desire for approval or fear of disappointing others) but also deeply shaped by the environment we're in. Many workplaces, family systems, or cultural contexts actually reward or expect self-sacrificing behavior, making it feel like the “right” or even necessary thing to do.
In some cases, there can be real consequences that are related to social, professional, or emotional health when someone sets boundaries or stops overextending themselves. It's important to recognize that people-pleasing can be both a personal pattern and a survival strategy in systems that don't always make space for authentic needs.
The strengths underlying a people pleaser
Now, it’s important to note that people-pleasing doesn’t make us weak or defective. It doesn’t define our wisdom or ability to excel at work and in other areas of life, and in fact, it reflects some inner strengths that emerge strong in moments when we’re choosing others.
As we think about breaking the cycle of people pleasing, it’s not about getting rid of the values inside that care for the people around you. Instead, we want to be more aware of when people pleasing comes at the expense of our happiness, health, or overall fulfillment with life.
We’ll talk more about that next, but let’s speak to the strengths you can celebrate if you find yourself people-pleasing often at work, home, or both.
The underlying strengths that can drive people-pleasing
Empathy and compassion: People-pleasers often have a profound ability to connect with others' feelings and needs. This empathy is a beautiful strength that allows you to understand and care for those around you deeply.
Responsibility and reliability: A desire to be responsible and reliable is another strength that often fuels people-pleasing behaviors. You want to be someone others can count on and take pride in being dependable.
Desire for connection and acceptance: Many people-pleasers deeply desire to feel connected to others and belong. This desire is tied to the human need for validation and acceptance—natural and healthy needs. You may go above and beyond because you want to foster meaningful relationships or be seen and appreciated for your contributions.
Precision: Perfectionism is a driving force for many people-pleasers. You set high standards for yourself and work tirelessly to meet those expectations, often for the sake of others. You may feel a deep sense of pride in getting things just right, whether delivering a flawless presentation, providing exceptional service, or ensuring everything runs smoothly in your personal life.
Peacekeeping: Many people-pleasers are driven by a strong desire to avoid conflict and create peaceful, harmonious environments. You may naturally step in to resolve tension, calm difficult situations, or smooth over disagreements. This can be an incredibly valuable trait in relationships and teams, as it helps maintain balance and reduces stress in group dynamics.
Noticing when your needs aren’t being met
It’s beautiful to care deeply about others, want harmony, or show up with generosity and kindness. But when the desire to be liked or avoid conflict overrides your needs, there’s a quiet, painful cost: you begin to disappear from your own life.
You might notice it in small ways at first—saying “yes” when you mean “not really,” brushing off a hurt feeling, or talking yourself out of asking for support. Over time, these small moments add up.
You might feel burnt out, resentful, disconnected, or like you’re moving through life on autopilot, meeting everyone else’s expectations while your desires gather dust in the background.
This is a loving reminder that you deserve to have preferences, needs, and boundaries and to honor them without guilt—not because you’ve earned it or proven something, but because you're human.
The goal isn’t to stop caring for others—it’s to also care for you. Notice when people-pleasing asks you to shrink and gently step back into your wholeness. That’s not selfish. That’s self-respect.
Signs you might be abandoning yourself
You’re constantly praised for being dependable and on top of things—but underneath, you feel depleted and alone in your responsibilities.
A boundary gets crossed, but instead of naming it, you brush it off, telling yourself, “It’s fine, I can handle it”—even though your gut says otherwise.
You say “yes” reflexively in meetings, family plans, or group texts—then feel regret or tightness because it’s one more thing added to your plate.
You start to avoid certain people, places, or spaces because you know your people pleasing part is more active in these interactions and you don't know how to manage it.
You feel a pang of guilt when you consider taking a break, asking for help, or saying, “I need a moment to think.” Rest feels earned, not inherent.
Your calendar is packed, your energy is low, and yet you still feel like you should be doing more, giving more, and being more, which leads to skipping any form of slowing down.
You avoid disagreeing, offering a differing opinion, or asking for something you need because you don’t want to be seen as difficult or “too much.”
You’re the go-to person for everyone else… but when you need support, it feels awkward to ask, or you worry you’ll be a burden (the rules are different for you).
If you see yourself in any of these, there’s an opportunity to explore what balance can look like without losing the parts of you that help you excel. Being connected to yourself means being honest about what’s true for you, even when it’s inconvenient or messy.
Pausing to move forward intentionally
Simply pausing is one of the most potent tools in shifting your people-pleasing patterns. We often move so quickly through our days, responding to requests, putting others’ needs before our own, and trying to meet every expectation. That means there’s little time to stop and check in with what you want and need.
This simple practice can be very effective in moments when you feel the pressure to say “yes” or move quickly to appease someone else.
Pause and breathe: The next time someone asks for your help or when you feel the urge to overextend yourself, try to pause. Take a deep breath, center yourself, and remove the immediate pressure.
Ask yourself: “Do I Have the Time and Energy for This?” It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we should help or say yes, but the truth is, we all have limited time and energy. Before responding, check in with yourself:
Can I commit to this?
Will it leave me feeling drained, or is it something that aligns with my priorities and goals right now?
Would I still do it if I didn’t care what other people thought?
Are there any “shoulds” involved here? (You should do this because it would make your boss happy; someone at this level should be working overtime, etc.)
Consider the impact: Consider how saying “yes” will affect your day, energy levels, and mental state. Will it cause you stress or resentment later on? Sometimes, the short-term satisfaction of saying “yes” can lead to long-term consequences, like burnout or feeling unappreciated.
Tune into your needs: What do I need right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed, tired, or needing time for yourself? Listening to your body and mind is key in these moments. If saying “yes” will deplete you, it might be time to honor your needs.
Practice saying “no”: After pausing and reflecting, if your honest answer is that you don’t have the time or energy to take on another task, it’s okay to say “no.” Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re being selfish; it means you’re respecting your own limits. You are allowed to prioritize yourself.
By consistently checking in with yourself, you can shift away from the automatic response of people-pleasing even slightly and move toward intuition-led actions. This pause allows you to take control of your choices, create healthy boundaries, and make decisions that honor your well-being.
Remember, it's a practice. You don’t have to get it perfect every time (and probably won’t), but with each moment of reflection, you build more awareness and confidence in your ability to say “yes” to what truly matters and “no” when it’s time to protect your energy.
Tips to shift your people pleasing patterns
Acknowledge the pattern: The first step in breaking free is recognizing when you engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Start to notice when trying to do right by others is costing you, whether in work-life balance, the ability to care for yourself, or feeling confident in what you’re doing.
Notice opportunities to set boundaries: Setting boundaries is essential for protecting your time, energy, and mental health but often feels challenging for people-pleasers. Start by identifying areas of your life where you feel overextended and notice where you may be jumping to that “yes” or giving too much energy. From there, you may be able to practice saying “no” in small, low-stakes situations to build your confidence.
Reframe your beliefs: Getting curious about which beliefs drive your behaviors around people pleasing and where they came from can be helpful to begin reframing them. What would it be like to feel enough as you are, knowing you don’t need to prove your value through endless service or sacrifice?
Practice self-compassion: People-pleasing is often driven by a fear of rejection or judgment, which may be a place to create more space for compassion and offer some of that care you give to making others happy right back to yourself. When you make mistakes or feel like you’re letting someone down, remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect, and experiencing that vulnerability is a celebration of your humanity.
Seek support: No one expects you to shift from people-pleasing to standing tall in your confidence and boundaries alone. Know that there’s always support available and space to embrace healthy changes that are in your best interest, whether through therapy, coaching, support groups, or simply opening up to loved ones about it all.
-> Lean on Modern Therapy as your judgement-free place to come as you are.
Allow your authenticity to shine through
Remember, breaking away from the pressure to please everyone else helps you show up as your whole authentic self. That version of you that’s not overthinking your next move or how others perceive you is the version that’s primed for deeper connection and self-confidence.
By acknowledging people-pleasing tendencies with compassion, you can begin to lead with what helps you feel your best, then pour from a full cup into supporting those around you.
Shifting these patterns is a lifelong practice, but with intention and compassion, you can change from seeking validation outside yourself to finding strength and self-worth from within, knowing you deserve that.
FAQ: People pleasing
What exactly is people pleasing?
People-pleasing is when you put other people’s needs, feelings, or expectations ahead of your own—sometimes without even realizing it. It often comes from a kind heart and a desire to be helpful, keep the peace, or avoid rocking the boat.
But over time, it can feel like you're constantly shape-shifting to be what others need you to be, while your wants and feelings get pushed further down the list. You might say yes when you’re exhausted, avoid sharing how you really feel or worry a lot about how others see you.
It’s not about being “too nice”—it’s usually a survival strategy that once made sense. And the fact that you care so deeply? That’s not the problem. The invitation is to care for you, too.
What is a people pleaser?
A people pleaser often feels more comfortable prioritizing others than advocating for themselves. You might find it easier to support everyone else, smooth things over, or be dependable—even if that means your needs go unmet.
It’s not because you’re weak or don’t know what you want. It’s usually because somewhere along the way, being helpful, agreeable, or easygoing felt safer… maybe even necessary to feel loved or accepted.
If you resonate with this, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken—you’re human. And you deserve relationships and spaces where your needs matter just as much as anyone else's.
