How to Come Back to Yourself When You're Feeling Disconnected
If you’re the reliable one who keeps things going and holds it all together while your needs can hit the back burner, you’re so seen. No one chooses to disconnect from themselves, make no time for themselves, or prioritize everyone else over themselves, but it’s a natural response to high-stress situations and a high-need environment.
Some of the most high-achieving and successful people are those battling a hidden pattern of abandoning their own needs to stay in control, connected, and safe. What others see is someone who seems to carry the weight of a busy lifestyle and somehow is everything for everyone with ease.
What’s happening internally can become a go-to pattern of overcommitting, despite your intentions, people-pleasing, and feeling guilty or selfish for taking time for what matters to you. And y’all–know that resentment is so normal in these situations and makes the tension you might be carrying feel like a rubber band that’s about to snap (we get it!).
Noticing the lingering weight of disconnection with yourself is frustrating. Still, it’s also an incredible moment of awareness when you finally take a moment to see that the autopilot mode isn’t feeling so great. That can help prompt ways to reconnect with yourself, realign, redefine what balance means for you, and gradually experience that weight lifting.
A moment to ground
Before we dive in, let's talk about how heavy it can feel to hear terms like “people pleaser”, “perfectionist”, or “self-abandoning” that we might talk about here. You’re not alone in feeling a gut reaction that says, “omg great one more thing that’s wrong” or “I don’t resonate with these labels at all.” We want to empower you to never limit yourself into a box allowing the full complexities of you to exist while embracing an open mind to learn and take what’s meant for you.
Many people experience moments of disconnection with themselves for various lengths of time and in different seasons. In fact, there are times in which moments of disconnection and detachment can actually be adaptive if not protective. Recognizing this can be a gentle invitation to explore what helps you feel grounded and more like yourself again.
Bringing a gentle awareness to self abandonment
A helpful concept to discuss is self-abandonment, a broad term that encompasses some of the ways we neglect to fully attend to ourselves when other things occupy our minds or divert our focus. And let’s be real– that feeling like it’s “always something” makes this a state that can last for a while and become our default setting.
We don’t abandon ourselves on purpose or because we don’t like who we are, but sometimes the expectations and pressure we put on ourselves don’t make room for the imperfect or messy. It's possible that at some point in life, doing what we “should” do helped us feel accepted, rewarded, or in control of a situation.
Let’s look at this as an invitation to get curious about what’s working and where there might be room to soften, to reconnect, and to come home to yourself. To start, you may open yourself to gently notice patterns you might turn to when sh*t hits the fan.
What does self-abandonment look like?
Self-abandonment is the act of dismissing, ignoring, or devaluing your own needs, feelings, boundaries, or desires in order to cope with an uncomfortable situation. When you’re high-functioning, this can be particularly challenging to spot at times, as it may also be what others recognize as a fantastic partner, a reliable employee, or a great friend.
-> Learn more about emotional detachment and how to hold space without losing yourself
We might be self-abandoning when:
We say yes to a project knowing we’re already overwhelmed and have no time, because we’re afraid of seeming unreliable or disappointing someone.
We skip meals or delay eating because there’s always one more thing to get done first, despite noticing how it’s impacting stress levels and sleep quality.
We dismiss the tension headache, racing heart, or exhaustion and tell ourselves we’ll deal with it after everything gets done.
We answer a work request in the middle of a family event that we'd told ourselves we’d be present at, because we feel guilty about making someone wait or fear what they might say.
We avoid addressing something that bothers us because we don’t want to “make it a thing,” so we quietly carry the frustration and burden.
We put the workout routine on hold because it’s impossible to focus on that when things won’t slow down.
We feel resentful but insist everything’s fine because we believe being “the strong one” means never showing cracks, then turn to coping mechanisms to get through it.
We overexplain our decisions or boundaries because we don’t fully trust that we’re allowed to say no without justification, then end up letting the boundary be crossed.
We numb out at the end of the day with scrolling, wine, or endless tasks because connecting with ourselves might slow us or break us down in a way that will interfere with what we have to get done.
We scroll on social media and engage in unhealthy patterns of comparison and play into feelings of unworthiness in an effort to motivate ourselves to the high standards we hold.
Don’t worry–you don’t have to change the values that drive you to want to be the best you can be. Instead, maybe you start to invite intentional moments to connect with yourself along the way to help you become the version of you that lights you up most. And yes, there are so many ways to make this approachable, even if it’s a slight shift toward yourself this week that feels manageable.
Building a deeper understanding of patterns is the first step to knowing what might work to realign them.
Why is it so hard to value our own selves, time, and desires?
For many of us, this started early. Perhaps you felt that love or respect came with certain conditions, and you moved forward when you were helpful, polite, productive, and agreeable. This could be an experience from childhood or a pattern you developed during your transition from school to entering the workforce.
Or maybe you observed adults in your life exhibiting similar behaviors without realizing what they were at the time, reinforcing the notion that when you make sacrifices, you reap greater rewards. It’s also common to start anticipating others’ needs to work through a challenging situation or bring comfort during uncertain times, which can become ingrained as people-pleasing behaviors and a way to make other people happy, ultimately providing relief for yourself.
So, it makes sense if you hesitate to claim space, rest, or joy, or if choosing yourself feels unnatural. It makes sense if part of you worries that slowing down might mean falling behind or that everyone around you will be impacted.
Normalizing the resistance
And even when we do begin to crave more connection with ourselves (more presence, self-kindness, rest, honesty) about what we feel and need, it’s normal to pull back from it. Sometimes we stay disconnected, consciously or not, because we believe there’s some advantage to it. Maybe there’s a fear of what we’ll encounter if we actually slow down and listen: Will I feel overwhelmed by my emotions? Will I get anxious if I'm not constantly doing? Will I feel bored and what if I don’t know how to deal with that?
It’s important to normalize this too. The truth is, connecting with yourself doesn’t always feel good right away. Sometimes it feels restless, empty, or uncomfortable at first. But hanging in there matters, because when we numb or disconnect from the difficult, we also dull our access to the good; the joy, clarity, creativity, and meaning we’re longing for. As Brené Brown puts it: when we numb the dark, we also numb the light.
As we normalize the discomfort this can bring, there’s more room for compassion and self-kindness as you give yourself permission to take some of that pressure off and create space to tune in to what you need to.
Getting inspired with 7 practices to reconnect with yourself
Practice asking yourself, what do I actually need right now?
You may notice your default answer is “yes” when your insides scream “no” or that it’s hard to think about what you need because you’ve told yourself you’re fine for so long. This is where an intentional check-in practice can help create more space for you to address those needs.
For example, you might not need anything at first glance, but while you think about it and get still you realize you’ve been clenching your jaw all day and experience the small moment of relief from relaxing it. That might lead you to think about what’s causing that tension and open up a sense of clarity around moments in your day when you felt like you pushed yourself through.
Now you’re flowing! From there, you could choose to allow thoughts to come without judgment and be able to access even more specific themes that cause you to clench up, such as when people assume you can help them without asking you first. As you start to unravel some common threads, you’re in a much better place to identify where a boundary could help ease some of that tension from work to your relationships.
It’s okay (and normal) for this to take time, but it all starts with that intentional choice to allow yourself to pause and notice when your mind is telling you to go, go, go.
A few ways to create daily check ins:
Do a scan of your body and mind while you’re brushing your teeth
Take a 5-minute break in the middle of your day to step outside and notice where you’re at
Wait to turn your playlist, podcast, or audiobook on during a drive to take a quiet moment for yourself first
Engage in a breathing activity or mindful movement that reminds you to take that time with yourself
Open the conversation with your partner, friends, or a family member to build accountability (ex. asking how your day was to reflect deeply and process together)
You might also know of a time in your day when things slow down even for a moment, and you can build this practice in a way that aligns really nicely. Let yourself experiment and see what works best for you.
Cancel one non-essential commitment this week
This might feel scary, but maybe there’s a chore on your list or something you’re feeling like you “should” do that you can intentionally take off your plate and replace that with something that’s only for you. If you’re feeling like that makes you selfish or sense a wave of guilt come through, know that’s normal and even expected, and allowing that to be there is how you can learn to build in some balance.
Notice what you feel in your body or what you tell yourself when you approach this, and remind yourself that any practice comes with some growing pains that don’t have to (and won’t) look perfect every time.
Create a ‘coming home’ practice
As you begin to learn more about your patterns, acknowledging wins and opportunities can only help build clarity. At first, you might not notice the extent of your autopilot mode or default behaviors until you take the time to think about it all.
At the end of each day, you might do a little inventory of:
What moments (if any) did I feel closer to myself?
What moments (if any) did I feel like I put myself to the side?
Is there anything I want to try differently tomorrow?
Is there anything I've noticed that could be an obstacle?
This isn’t a punishment or a productivity tool. It’s a chance to notice your patterns with compassion and to start seeing yourself clearly and lovingly, with absolutely no expectations. Completing this one successfully isn’t about getting the “right” answers, but just taking the moment to ask yourself these questions and growing awareness of how you’re evolving every day.
Write a personal loyalty statement
Sure, this sounds cheesy, but it can be so empowering if you’re feeling that inner fire to put yourself first and choose yourself in a whole new way. Think of this as a chance to rewrite your internal narrative that’s been telling you that your needs have to come last.
It can be short like a mantra you remind yourself of, or longer if you feel pulled to include more details and thoughtful words.
Examples of personal loyalty statements:
I matter, too.
It’s safe to choose myself.
My peace is a priority.
I am allowed to take up space.
I release what isn’t mine to carry.
I trust myself to know what I need.
Some prompts to help you create your statement:
What do you want to tell your inner critic?
What would you say to a friend who tells you their needs don’t matter?
What kind of words are you needing to hear?
What reminder do you want to take away when you’re disconnected?
What would your heart say right now?
You can write this down, put it in your phone notes, stick it on your desk, or simply keep a mental note that helps you return to this moment of loyalty and self-connection. It’s okay if you don’t fully believe it yet (hello inner critic voices!), all you have to do is practice saying it and receiving the words.
Build micro-moments of choosing you
To work up to bigger opportunities to choose your needs, you can practice a few micro-moments to test the waters. Perhaps you start choosing small things throughout your day simply because they make you smile, rather than because they’re productive or make someone else happy.
Here’s what we mean:
Put on a song that fits your vibe right now and build a “me time” playlist over time to come back to
Think about a restaurant you want to try and enjoy a meal there thoroughly (or order takeout to enjoy and get comfy at home)
Wear the outfit that makes you feel most yourself
Take the longer, quieter route home just to pass by a street that piques your interest
Speak up about how you want affection in intimate relationships
Tiny acts of preference are how you reestablish trust with yourself. They remind your system, “I matter here.”
Explore asking for help
This one’s not because you always need help, but being the unofficial go-to for everyone else’s stress, drama, and last-minute crises means you’re probably more used to being asked for help than requesting it. If you start to reach out for support when you’re not underwater, you can loosen up the pressure on yourself to hold it all together alone.
Imagine asking your partner to pick up dinner just because it would give you a few extra minutes to take a walk before eating, or take one thing off your mental load for the day. Or maybe you can see if anyone else is willing to drive the carpool to an event, so you can sit back and enjoy the ride.
You might be surprised at how people jump at the chance to support you because you always support everyone else. And more importantly, how it feels to challenge the internal dialogue that tells you asking for help is a weakness.
Practice rest proactively
Sure, it’s easy to know you need rest when you’re on the verge of falling apart or too burnt out to think. What if we can build more proactive rest into the picture? This is all about tending to your human need for sleep, recharge moments, and time to yourself without feeling like you have to work hard to earn or deserve it.
A few ideas:
Block some free space in your weekly schedule to use for anything that recharges you
Break up tasks throughout the day with some movement or a non-productive 5 minutes
Turn your phone on do not disturb during lunch or dinner to create space where no one can reach you, and you’re not tempted to tend to other people
Protecting your energy is what keeps everything you do sustainable without reaching the point where a hard stop is no longer an option, but a necessity.
Choosing you is an act of self care
You get to be capable, kind, and honor your boundaries while also performing well, being successful, and receiving respect for all the hard work you put in. That balance is about building in those momentary intentional pauses to your busy schedule to avoid letting the autopilot take over so much that you forget to tune in.
While choosing you can bring about uncomfortable feelings along the way when you set high expectations for how you show up, know that you're on the path to finding your true self and learning about how to honor your physical needs and bring awareness to your own feelings without perfectionism. The more you practice letting go of the way you might put your personal needs aside for the sake of others, the closer you can get to personal growth that strengthens healthy relationships.
It all starts with one small act at a time, inching closer to understanding yourself and your patterns to make any shifts you feel ready for. We’re always here to stand in your corner along the way.
